Jessi | Senior

This sweet pea braved the cold (!! What's up, Texas?!) and almost-rain with me, and I dare say the adventure was worth it.  Her family owns some of the coolest property in the area, which is a fact I wasn't previously aware of, but may presently begin abusing...just kidding.  But seriously.  Gorgeous North Texas land...something I'm not always used to.

Enjoy beautiful, sweet, gracious Jessi!

As a side note...my B&W's are coming out as sepia when they post to the blog.  How strange and presumptuous is that?!

xoxo Bec

22 weeks and apologizing

Recently, I've felt so incredibly humbled by how obviously blessed I am.  God didn't give me the a "perfect hurt-free life" coupon or anything--things aren't perfect--but geeze.  There's a season for everything, and right now, my "season"--as far as the "big stuff" is concerned--is seventy degrees and sunny, that's for sure.

Jeff and I have had a fairly "normal" life together.  Married after college, both happily employed, pregnant after three years, ladidadida.  Simple, very little struggle.  We had the most gorgeous wedding EVER (not biased) in which my parents said "yes" probably way too much.  I posted engagement photos, shower photos, wedding photos online...and now I instabrag about how precious my dogs are (who throw up and pee inside sometimes and can't be trusted in the house alone, mind you).  We are so white collar America...it's almost gross.  Tons of siblings we both love, and both of us were raised by incredible and incredibly gracious parents.  OH!  And now I can post photos of my growing "bump," which is healthy as can be.  I am spoiled rotten by tons of cute maternity clothes my friends have loaned me, so my "bump" pictures could be that much more precious.

But for every picture I instagram or facebook or whatever, there's a twinge of guilt.  Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I listen to it and delete the post.

Here's the deal.  What do I do about the couples who struggle in their marriage, or in conceiving a child?  Who can't afford safe or stable housing?  Or who have lost a child, or have one (or more) who is sick, disabled, or disfigured?  Or who are waiting and waiting and waiting to adopt?  All of those things are perfectly "normal," but also quite possibly (probably?) really painful.  We all know that God has a plan, and this is "just" a season, and even if it's not seventy degrees and sunny right now, it probably will be one day, and today won't hurt so much when it's just a memory, and like Kelly Clarkson says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! (BULL. What doesn't kill you puts you in the hospital).  But there is no way in h-e-double-hockey-sticks that I'm saying any of THAT out loud.  So what do I say?  OH HEY THINGS ARE SUPER EASY FOR ME WHOOHOO I TOTES EARNED THIS.  Probably not.

I know that the blessings that God's given us are huge and abundant.  I know God is blessing you too.  But I know looking at my particular blessings might hurt someone...and I hate that.  Because I'm the lowest of the low and deserve nothing good or beautiful, just like everyone else.

So, just so you know.  I know that things might be the worst right now, and I don't know how to show you that I'm sorry and I wish things were different.  And I know that I'm not better than you. And you're most likely way stronger than I am.  That's for sure.  Here's to still being friends, please.

xoxo Bec

Jade | Senior 2013

So, if you're the kind of sassy person who sees pretty people and assumes that they're stuck up, or snobbish, or probably just so self-centered that you wouldn't even want to get to know them...guess what.

You're wrong.

Because the young lady that you're about to see is as stunningly gorgeous as they come, and she is as much of a jewel in her character and heart as she is to look at.  And I know that for a fact, because not only did I have the extreme pleasure of coaching Jade in cheerleading her freshman year, not ONLY did I get to be her English teacher the next year, but I also had the chance to experience one of the toughest and most devastating moments of my little life alongside this young lady, and let me tell you--she's as good as they come.

So there, sassy sassersons.

Hair and makeup by Tara O'Bannon

xoxo Bec

Time

This baby has already changed me in two big ways.  Well...this may not be the baby's fault.  But I'm going to go ahead and place blame there.  Because that's what good mothers do, right?

Numero uno:  I don't feel like baking.  It's the weirdest thing in the world.  I've loved baking for as long as I can remember.  Nothing fancy--like seriously, NOT FANCY at all--but yum.  Cookies and stuff are the bomb dot com.  But not anymore.  Thanks a lot, bebe.

Numero dos:  I don't feel like writing.  Also pretty weird.  I have really enjoyed writing for a long time, with varying degrees of success, but I have always LOVED sharing my super brilliant opinions--but recently, my brilliance seems to have disappeared.  I hope the world is faring well without my pearls of wisdom.  But truly. I haven't been thinking deeply much at all.  Pros and cons, pros and cons.

BUT.  TODAY.   BREAKTHROUGH.

I read this blog post from Kay Bruner, a sweet friend, outstanding writer, and (I'm assuming here) brilliant therapist.  She is so stinking humble.  And funny.  My favorite combination.  And she made me think, so I now owe her the world.

Today she wrote about how the pain and deep healing process she went through a decade ago is finally showing itself as "worth it."  God is using her experience and the wisdom He's given her to bless other people, which is proving to be ample reward for the trials she's suffered.

My favorite part was this:

Back in the day...if you had said to me, “Hey, some day somebody else is going to be blessed by all this, so it’s worth it”–well, I probably would have slapped your face.  If I’d had the energy.

I laughed, because...well...duh, that's just real.  How often do I (maybe you too) try to comfort someone with the terribly generous platitude, "Oh, it will be worth it some day!  Chin up, soldier," or something of the like?  You probably don't say soldier, but hey, I like to keep things spicy.

And then I realized--I am so very grateful that God invented time.  I truly madly deeply appreciate it.  Time is a big deal, and complicated, and confusing, especially since it's the contrast to eternity, which is something I absolutely CANNOT fathom--but good golly.  I am so glad that I can't remember how bad it hurt when I was a little girl and took a chunk out of my thumb in the bathtub with my mom's razor.  I am so glad I am not eternally living the moment of realizing my pup, who mysteriously disappeared in the middle of the day way out in the country, would never come home.  And my granddad, who died of ALS--definitely not sick anymore.  Praise Jesus.

And my grandmothers, who each sustained serious leg injuries this year--which should have been life-threatening to women their age--can both walk again.  Are you flipping kidding me.  TELL me miracles only happened in Jesus' day.  I'll agree.  BECAUSE IT'S STILL JESUS' DAY.

Now, that also means that my wedding day is over.  Gone.  The fleeting, terrified, glorious moment in which Jeff and I found out that we're pregnant--that "first time" thrill will never happen again.  I'll never get to meet my five youngest brothers and sisters for the first time again.  And every. dang. time. I start a bowl of ice cream...I finish it.  Every. time.  What if ice cream was infinite?!  I MEAN REALLY.

So, there's a balance, of course.  Pros and cons.  But I am so grateful that time moves on, so the pain can change to an ache, and the ache to a scar, and scars remind us of who we are and why we are--and whose we are.

Thank you for taking part in my five-month-writer's-block demolition.

xoxo Bec